Another quickie

First visit with the therapist was hopeful but not exactly productive. I know what to expect going forward. So far I like the attitude my therapist has. It was a good day.

A quick update

I would like to say things are better, are getting better, I'm okay, things will be okay. Anything to make everyone worry less. But truth is, my insides still hurt. And not about to lie to anyone, I still want to make the outside match.

But I'm not.

Therapy is in two hours.

Not sure what to expect.

Trying to get back to what is normal for me. Was going to try reading a new series bit the first chapter has the Hatter losing his Alice. And I just lost mine. And still miss her. Maybe a little too soon to lose another.

some have asked so here it is

I was taken to the hospital late Monday night and then checked into treatment early Tuesday morning. I washed a handful of pills down with some whiskey and then passed out. When I came to I started cutting on my arm. I told people I tried to die. I'm not sure if that's the truth though. The cuts certainly weren't deep enough and I knew the meds were past their prime. And I wasn't treated for depression, I was treated for anxiety. I just wanted to feel pain. I wanted to watch myself bleed. I wanted to feel control. Too much of my life felt like it was spinning outside my control.

Earlier this month, I received a text from my mother. For most of you, that's probably not too big of a deal. But my last Christmas present from Mom, and sister, was getting disowned. That was probably 6-8 years ago. It brought up many hard feelings. First wave hit me.

Watching a movie. Nothing I don't do on a regular basis. But this movie was something special. This movie was an action flick like no other. Okay, it was exactly like any other action flick. CIA agent, gets sick, offered cure, has to kill people first. You know the story. But about a third of the way in he gets the first injection. And that's what does me in. This is when it's like no other movie I've watched before. The close up of the injection. For that moment I remembered what that needle felt like. I felt it go in, the way the needle brought pain and joy in just a few seconds. And I wanted it! Not the drugs that went with it mind you. Just the needle. I wanted to feel that ritual again. Second wave hit me.

I start to feel the loss of My Alice. Conversations aren't being had. I feel like I'm begging just to know what's going on with her. It's something I should be used to. Alice always leaves Wonderland. She never chooses the Hatter. Third wave hits me.

Carved some new artwork into my leg. Five tally marks to commemorate the Alice's come and gone. The one's I couldn't keep happy, the ones I chased away, the ones that had better options to choose from. The last one cut deep, blood everywhere. And it looked amazing. And it hurt so good. I felt good! Fourth wave hits me.

The kids have been gone too long. I've got weeks to go without them. It seems they're never coming back. It's not a proper party without the the Hare and the Dormouse. Fifth wave hits me.

Got demoted at work. They called it a promotion. But they took me from my section that was really starting to do good and gave me a new section that just really sucked ass. Went from being number 1 in the smalls to the bottom of the bigs. Sixth wave hits me.

And several times this month I didn't sleep for days. I went to bed. I recall closing my eyes. But I also remember being able to look at the clock at least once every hour. Just a whole lot of power naps for a few days here and a few days there. My brain was done trying to work so hard with so little rest. Seventh wave hits.

That was the first 3 weeks of June. 4th week saw me admitted into treatment. And new meds, an anti-anxiety/sedative to help me sleep and process things more clearly. 1st week of July I start therapy. Maybe in July I can keep the ocean away.

Climbing down, falling up

Falling down my rabbit hole,
Where it stops you all should know.
Voices screaming in my head,
PAINT THE ROSES RED!
I just can't seem to make our date,
Always and forever running late.
With teacup firmly in hand,
This Hatter is off to Wonderland!

The roses are red,
The jabberwock is dead.
The tea is cold,
While Alice grows old.
Shed no tears as I go home,
Your wonder in my heart whilst I roam.
The point is missed by many who come,
Find yourself and the job is done.

Going fucking nuts

There is no reason I should feel like this. I can't believe she has this effect on me.
I should smile at that touching father/son moment in Tron: Legacy. Not in tears.

I should feel like a half mad crime fighting King of Halloween. Not a lost child.

I should feel important and that I matter. Not that you didn't notice I wasn't there.

First of the month

Yay me! After one week of pre-challenge and it's profuse sweating, intense pain, and pure exhaustion I have finally done it! I completed each hero with no more than 2 minutes rest between each set. Monday night I was resting upwards of 30 mins between each set. I even had an extra 20-30 lbs sitting on my back (I love kids) and I still was doing better on the failure reps than three days ago. But sadly, it's purely an emotional victory. Still just as sweaty, just as sore, just as tired.

I have failed my city...

So three of the nine Arrow exercises are failure reps. Failure triceps push ups, failure shoulder touches, and failure pull ups. Tonight at failed after six push ups, 23 shoulder touches, and zero pull ups. Still haven't found a pull up bar around the house. And I refuse to spend money on it. Maybe I'll just slap water in a bowl. Or build a salmon ladder.

Other than that, still working on the routine. Alphabetical just isn't working for me. And neither is Flash, Batman, Arrow, to Aquaman. Tomorrow I try Arrow -> Batman -> Aquaman -> Flash (or Flash -> Aquaman). But Arrow is definitely first, those ones are tough!