Looking ahead to next month

Although my current endeavors aren't as community reaching as some of the other conspirators, my set of challenges is definitely working to my benefit. I've done some mental/emotional health (blogging),  internal health (diet and sleep), now I'm thinking of some more external health (translate: look good naked). I don't like my stomach, it has to go. That's all. Any additional muscle tone and definition is an added bonus.

the good times keep rolling

I've had the same best friend for more than a decade and I'm so bad about letting people in that he is still learning things about me. So yesterday was a big step giving people the opportunity to know that someday's something is the Hatter with me. 

And it was met with lots of kindness, words of encouragement, and reminders that people are here for me because I'm loved. 

Which turned into over 100 pictures being taken of Easter celebrating. 

And today I'm rocking the shirt and tie, for a job with a jeans & t-shirt dress code. And the tie? Definitely rocking that trinity knot.

And conversation with friends starting from the moment they or I woke up. 

I'm not religious, but I'm guessing this is what blessed feels like.

seems like the right time

It's one of those days where even I notice the difference. Several people that are constantly around me have started to notice the change and some days I like to agree with them. Which got me thinking. Which came first? The challenges or the willingness to to live?

It was something like 2 1/2 years ago I was really depressed and got the bright idea to move to Nebraska. And went with it. I was supposed to be back in a year, I was late by a year. I did get better. The adopted family quadrupled and I even reconnected with some of my blood family. The adopted family intentionally/unintentionally made sure I was never alone for too long. Became Uncle Jack to many new nieces and nephews and found out that several years later I'm still Uncle Tony to a couple of girls I hadn't seen since they graduated high school. But I missed my kids the whole damn time. Without them I could only get so better.

When I moved back I took a slight detour to where I was those 2 years ago after some circumstances that happened around the time of the move. I had a girlfriend that too late we discovered we were in a trustless relationship. She creeped my phone, I creeped her's. Things were seen that can't be unseen. We fought. We broke up. She was supposed to come with me. Another one bought the dust. I've had 2 girlfriends and a not sure what to call it since I got divorced. The two girlfriends definitely hate me, I'm now friends with the friend who happened to be a girl, again. So my track record,short as it may be, since my ex-wife hasn't been so happy. I felt unlurvable, I got depressed.

But I knew what to do. I had to live for me. To make me happy. Not even the kids could be my motivation. It had to be for me. So that's what I did. I started to get better, again.

Now say what you will about how unconnected our world is becoming with all this social media and our noses stuck in our phones. But I have a friend that I've never met (cause the 30 second introduction when I visited his call center really doesn't count) in the real world. There has been plenty of phone calls, texts, IM chats, and emails. We even post our blogs to the same Facebook page now. And that's how it started. I got the text "Hey, read my blog. Was tonight's entry too much?" I guess my answer sounded more personal to me than a critique on his work cause it met with "Spill it, what's eating you?"

And I started doing challenges. This is my third month now. With the exception of reading to kids at the library the challenges haven't really done anything for anyone else. Now the last few weeks my close friends in Topeka have really started to notice the change in me. Most days I don't have the thought of maybe things would be easier for everyone if I was no longer six feet above ground. And don't worry, not planning anything. Just that passing thought of falling asleep and waking up dead would simplify things for lots of people.

The past work week was actually pretty tough, didn't sleep 3 of 5 nights. My body started to remember being a tweaker. I thought a little too hard about questions I shouldn't dwell on. But the answers to these questions have lifted spirits. If I went to sleep and didn't wake up...

• Who will miss me first?
• Who will find me?
• Who will get the word out?
• Who will know my passwords?
• Who will organize my departure?
• Who will make the trip to pay their respects?
• Who will make sure my kids knew that I loved them until the last second?
• Who will tell their kids all those "... your crazy Uncle Jack..." stories?

I'm not going to share the answers I came up with. They're just for me. And I like the answers.

Well that escalated quickly

With no drugs of any kind that prevent sleep, the kind that aid sleep were in use, I managed to not sleep for 2 days. It wasn't straight through but an hour nap definitely doesn't count.

When I finally knew that I was gonna get some sleep I decided I was gonna be funny and change my status to dating My Bed. Put in the comments after 2 days of arguing I was finally gonna sleep with her. No one saw who I was in a relationship with.

Holy fuck balls! My phone blew up!

Everything from congratulations to CALL ME NOW!

But good news, after it finally quieted down, I got 7 hours of really deep sleep.

Well this is unexpected

Finally took the time to scan and publish the 200+ pictures that I was given by grandma and the former Mrs. Taylor. Had good laughs over a few of them too. My cousins and I all look like dorks. Not that that's changed much for me, still white and nerdy over here.

And then the girl formerly known as my sister decides to go and comment on one of them. She's friends with our cousins. Our cousins are tagged in the pictures. Makes sense she can see them. She asked for copies of them.

It took me about 10 seconds to decide that no matter what happened 8 years ago these pictures are a part of her life too. I have a album called all grow'd up, I'll act it. I inboxed her for her email. That went unanswered. Just in case she didn't get the notification I also commented for her to inbox me her email and I'll send her every picture that our grandmother gave me. So far that is also unanswered.

The ball is in her court now and I HATE THAT. I don't give up control very easily, I don't except or ask for help without agonizing over it, I don't rely on people. And now I don't have control of the ball...

Life is precious

Why eat healthy? Get enough sleep? Play more? Smoke less?

There comes a time when you have to ask yourself what really matters.

I'm 32. That is in and of itself an accomplishment. Living in California leading the life I lead gave me a life expectancy of 16. Making it to 20 and moving to Nebraska was pure luck. March 6th, 2005 (I could be wrong about the day, bus it's easy to remember this particular date and it's close enough) was a turning a point though. I put down the pipe for the last time that day.

9 years without meth has not been easy. I still know what a craving feels like. I still know why my body tingles after sleepless nights. I still remember the taste and the smell.

I've made lots of great friends in the last 12 years. Most I call family. Some were there to watch the early struggle. Some were around to say they couldn't believe how fast I came. Now some are around to say they can't imagine what I was like before.

And then events happen that cause you call your grandmother just to say I love you. Hug your kids a little tighter. Wish you had the nerve to tell someone something personal.

Why eat healthy? Get enough sleep? Play more? Smoke less?

I don't want to miss any graduations. Any weddings. Any birthdays. Any holidays.

I'm 32. I've doubled my life expectancy. I'll see you when I'm 66.

Gotta find something to fill my time in the morning

Going to bed regularly, getting a full nights rest, waking up bright and early...

I have a good hour of doing nothing before I leave for work. And mossy of our is spent thinking I should do something productive. What to do? What to do?

I miss fried food!

So it's only day 8 and I already want to say fuck it and deep fry something. So much more respect for Jason's vegetarian month.

Bowling for soup. Ok, not soup. But fun.

Eating healthy is working out a little better. Got in some exercise too. The sign said bowling burns 110 calories an hour. Since I wasn't drinking it was probably pretty accurate. Burned about 250 calories. Probably more because I was being social with strangers.

And had to answer some pretty tough questions rather honestly. Nothing like a girl asking how I really feel to get the heart rate pumping.

Time with kids

Not sure if this is eating healthy but it's eating fun. Last night I told Bailey to fill the tubes so I can add Apple juice and freeze em. Pretty sure she STUFFED the tubes so they have a 90/10 gummy to juice ratio.

This morning it was all about the cinnamon waffle rolls.

Off to a good start

Three days in and I haven't forgot my vitamins once!

Getting to bed decently and waking up at the same time.

Have a list of primary doctors.

Looking good.