It was something like 2 1/2 years ago I was really depressed and got the bright idea to move to Nebraska. And went with it. I was supposed to be back in a year, I was late by a year. I did get better. The adopted family quadrupled and I even reconnected with some of my blood family. The adopted family intentionally/unintentionally made sure I was never alone for too long. Became Uncle Jack to many new nieces and nephews and found out that several years later I'm still Uncle Tony to a couple of girls I hadn't seen since they graduated high school. But I missed my kids the whole damn time. Without them I could only get so better.
When I moved back I took a slight detour to where I was those 2 years ago after some circumstances that happened around the time of the move. I had a girlfriend that too late we discovered we were in a trustless relationship. She creeped my phone, I creeped her's. Things were seen that can't be unseen. We fought. We broke up. She was supposed to come with me. Another one bought the dust. I've had 2 girlfriends and a not sure what to call it since I got divorced. The two girlfriends definitely hate me, I'm now friends with the friend who happened to be a girl, again. So my track record,short as it may be, since my ex-wife hasn't been so happy. I felt unlurvable, I got depressed.
But I knew what to do. I had to live for me. To make me happy. Not even the kids could be my motivation. It had to be for me. So that's what I did. I started to get better, again.
Now say what you will about how unconnected our world is becoming with all this social media and our noses stuck in our phones. But I have a friend that I've never met (cause the 30 second introduction when I visited his call center really doesn't count) in the real world. There has been plenty of phone calls, texts, IM chats, and emails. We even post our blogs to the same Facebook page now. And that's how it started. I got the text "Hey, read my blog. Was tonight's entry too much?" I guess my answer sounded more personal to me than a critique on his work cause it met with "Spill it, what's eating you?"
And I started doing challenges. This is my third month now. With the exception of reading to kids at the library the challenges haven't really done anything for anyone else. Now the last few weeks my close friends in Topeka have really started to notice the change in me. Most days I don't have the thought of maybe things would be easier for everyone if I was no longer six feet above ground. And don't worry, not planning anything. Just that passing thought of falling asleep and waking up dead would simplify things for lots of people.
The past work week was actually pretty tough, didn't sleep 3 of 5 nights. My body started to remember being a tweaker. I thought a little too hard about questions I shouldn't dwell on. But the answers to these questions have lifted spirits. If I went to sleep and didn't wake up...
- Who will miss me first?
- Who will find me?
- Who will get the word out?
- Who will know my passwords?
- Who will organize my departure?
- Who will make the trip to pay their respects?
- Who will make sure my kids knew that I loved them until the last second?
- Who will tell their kids all those "... your crazy Uncle Jack..." stories?
I'm not going to share the answers I came up with. They're just for me. And I like the answers.
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