Another quickie

First visit with the therapist was hopeful but not exactly productive. I know what to expect going forward. So far I like the attitude my therapist has. It was a good day.

A quick update

I would like to say things are better, are getting better, I'm okay, things will be okay. Anything to make everyone worry less. But truth is, my insides still hurt. And not about to lie to anyone, I still want to make the outside match.

But I'm not.

Therapy is in two hours.

Not sure what to expect.

Trying to get back to what is normal for me. Was going to try reading a new series bit the first chapter has the Hatter losing his Alice. And I just lost mine. And still miss her. Maybe a little too soon to lose another.

some have asked so here it is

I was taken to the hospital late Monday night and then checked into treatment early Tuesday morning. I washed a handful of pills down with some whiskey and then passed out. When I came to I started cutting on my arm. I told people I tried to die. I'm not sure if that's the truth though. The cuts certainly weren't deep enough and I knew the meds were past their prime. And I wasn't treated for depression, I was treated for anxiety. I just wanted to feel pain. I wanted to watch myself bleed. I wanted to feel control. Too much of my life felt like it was spinning outside my control.

Earlier this month, I received a text from my mother. For most of you, that's probably not too big of a deal. But my last Christmas present from Mom, and sister, was getting disowned. That was probably 6-8 years ago. It brought up many hard feelings. First wave hit me.

Watching a movie. Nothing I don't do on a regular basis. But this movie was something special. This movie was an action flick like no other. Okay, it was exactly like any other action flick. CIA agent, gets sick, offered cure, has to kill people first. You know the story. But about a third of the way in he gets the first injection. And that's what does me in. This is when it's like no other movie I've watched before. The close up of the injection. For that moment I remembered what that needle felt like. I felt it go in, the way the needle brought pain and joy in just a few seconds. And I wanted it! Not the drugs that went with it mind you. Just the needle. I wanted to feel that ritual again. Second wave hit me.

I start to feel the loss of My Alice. Conversations aren't being had. I feel like I'm begging just to know what's going on with her. It's something I should be used to. Alice always leaves Wonderland. She never chooses the Hatter. Third wave hits me.

Carved some new artwork into my leg. Five tally marks to commemorate the Alice's come and gone. The one's I couldn't keep happy, the ones I chased away, the ones that had better options to choose from. The last one cut deep, blood everywhere. And it looked amazing. And it hurt so good. I felt good! Fourth wave hits me.

The kids have been gone too long. I've got weeks to go without them. It seems they're never coming back. It's not a proper party without the the Hare and the Dormouse. Fifth wave hits me.

Got demoted at work. They called it a promotion. But they took me from my section that was really starting to do good and gave me a new section that just really sucked ass. Went from being number 1 in the smalls to the bottom of the bigs. Sixth wave hits me.

And several times this month I didn't sleep for days. I went to bed. I recall closing my eyes. But I also remember being able to look at the clock at least once every hour. Just a whole lot of power naps for a few days here and a few days there. My brain was done trying to work so hard with so little rest. Seventh wave hits.

That was the first 3 weeks of June. 4th week saw me admitted into treatment. And new meds, an anti-anxiety/sedative to help me sleep and process things more clearly. 1st week of July I start therapy. Maybe in July I can keep the ocean away.

Climbing down, falling up

Falling down my rabbit hole,
Where it stops you all should know.
Voices screaming in my head,
PAINT THE ROSES RED!
I just can't seem to make our date,
Always and forever running late.
With teacup firmly in hand,
This Hatter is off to Wonderland!

The roses are red,
The jabberwock is dead.
The tea is cold,
While Alice grows old.
Shed no tears as I go home,
Your wonder in my heart whilst I roam.
The point is missed by many who come,
Find yourself and the job is done.

Going fucking nuts

There is no reason I should feel like this. I can't believe she has this effect on me.
I should smile at that touching father/son moment in Tron: Legacy. Not in tears.

I should feel like a half mad crime fighting King of Halloween. Not a lost child.

I should feel important and that I matter. Not that you didn't notice I wasn't there.

First of the month

Yay me! After one week of pre-challenge and it's profuse sweating, intense pain, and pure exhaustion I have finally done it! I completed each hero with no more than 2 minutes rest between each set. Monday night I was resting upwards of 30 mins between each set. I even had an extra 20-30 lbs sitting on my back (I love kids) and I still was doing better on the failure reps than three days ago. But sadly, it's purely an emotional victory. Still just as sweaty, just as sore, just as tired.

I have failed my city...

So three of the nine Arrow exercises are failure reps. Failure triceps push ups, failure shoulder touches, and failure pull ups. Tonight at failed after six push ups, 23 shoulder touches, and zero pull ups. Still haven't found a pull up bar around the house. And I refuse to spend money on it. Maybe I'll just slap water in a bowl. Or build a salmon ladder.

Other than that, still working on the routine. Alphabetical just isn't working for me. And neither is Flash, Batman, Arrow, to Aquaman. Tomorrow I try Arrow -> Batman -> Aquaman -> Flash (or Flash -> Aquaman). But Arrow is definitely first, those ones are tough!

No one needs to tell me...

...I already know. I'm not fat. I never have been. Getting skinny is not my motivation.

But this guy right here,

I don't like him. He's not healthy, the weight he desperately tried to put on wasn't the good kind. 

I've always had issues with my self image. Sure, for a long time I was sucked in like a tweaker. That wasn't good for my self image either. And after starting out at about 85 pounds 155 pounds is much better. So the goal is good bye food baby, so long flabby arms, and hello someone who might be around a few more years. Looking forward to the end of June for the look back and the next few weeks of getting less sore each night.

Don't be sad that it's over, be happy that it happened.

It's really over. Warehouse is done. I didn't watch it with dry eyes. It was a really good goodbye. Maybe the characters reminded me a little too much of some of my closest friends. Maybe one them reminded me a little to much of me.
But it was thought provoking in my brain. My own little world of my own. What's my defining moment? We all have, or will have, it. And then it hit me. I can't have a moment. My moment is always happening. I like it that way.

Yeah, I'm actually a happy guy

Why is when it I'm feeling good, I have nothing to say? I'm really not as depressed as I seem.

Just though the few people who read this should know.

Need vs Want

Do I need people? Nope. Do I want people? Yes. But the people I want, I need them to want me back.

I don't feel wanted. I'm told it's my fault. I slammed the door.

I don't feel wanted. I feel like it's my fault. I don't know what I did.

Which is worse? Never being wanted or feeling wanted and feeling it slip away?

It's been a rough week to say the least. Note to self, don't sit in a dark house for 8 hours. It gets tough to bounce back from. It gets tough playing normal in front of the kids. It eventually leads to restaining the grout after mopping the floor 3 times.

Player 2, ready?

I totally didn't start dating this girl at the most opportune time in our lives. She's got complications. I've got complications. I find myself jealous of a lot of people.

Then this picture shows up on my news feed and I realize, I've got a player 2. Who enjoys my madness and will jump in on some Co op with me. I totally just leveled up.

All around not cool

Broke my glasses. No mother to spoil. Or call my own. Back has been sore for months and is causing sleeplessness. Dealing with insecurity issues.

Yeah, I'm a little grumpy today. Pretty sure I just figured out why.

Time to go buy smokes and sprinkle happiness.

May Day May Day May Day

Eating healthy was a success. Sleep schedule was a semi success. It seems I can always get up between 6 & 7, with and without an alarm. Getting to sleep the night before not always so easy.

Going to choose my 4 weeks of super hero workouts this weekend and anxiously awaiting my happiness packet to come in the mail.

In the meantime, I had fun putting a smile on someone's face. Really glad I found her.

Looking ahead to next month

Although my current endeavors aren't as community reaching as some of the other conspirators, my set of challenges is definitely working to my benefit. I've done some mental/emotional health (blogging),  internal health (diet and sleep), now I'm thinking of some more external health (translate: look good naked). I don't like my stomach, it has to go. That's all. Any additional muscle tone and definition is an added bonus.

the good times keep rolling

I've had the same best friend for more than a decade and I'm so bad about letting people in that he is still learning things about me. So yesterday was a big step giving people the opportunity to know that someday's something is the Hatter with me. 

And it was met with lots of kindness, words of encouragement, and reminders that people are here for me because I'm loved. 

Which turned into over 100 pictures being taken of Easter celebrating. 

And today I'm rocking the shirt and tie, for a job with a jeans & t-shirt dress code. And the tie? Definitely rocking that trinity knot.

And conversation with friends starting from the moment they or I woke up. 

I'm not religious, but I'm guessing this is what blessed feels like.

seems like the right time

It's one of those days where even I notice the difference. Several people that are constantly around me have started to notice the change and some days I like to agree with them. Which got me thinking. Which came first? The challenges or the willingness to to live?

It was something like 2 1/2 years ago I was really depressed and got the bright idea to move to Nebraska. And went with it. I was supposed to be back in a year, I was late by a year. I did get better. The adopted family quadrupled and I even reconnected with some of my blood family. The adopted family intentionally/unintentionally made sure I was never alone for too long. Became Uncle Jack to many new nieces and nephews and found out that several years later I'm still Uncle Tony to a couple of girls I hadn't seen since they graduated high school. But I missed my kids the whole damn time. Without them I could only get so better.

When I moved back I took a slight detour to where I was those 2 years ago after some circumstances that happened around the time of the move. I had a girlfriend that too late we discovered we were in a trustless relationship. She creeped my phone, I creeped her's. Things were seen that can't be unseen. We fought. We broke up. She was supposed to come with me. Another one bought the dust. I've had 2 girlfriends and a not sure what to call it since I got divorced. The two girlfriends definitely hate me, I'm now friends with the friend who happened to be a girl, again. So my track record,short as it may be, since my ex-wife hasn't been so happy. I felt unlurvable, I got depressed.

But I knew what to do. I had to live for me. To make me happy. Not even the kids could be my motivation. It had to be for me. So that's what I did. I started to get better, again.

Now say what you will about how unconnected our world is becoming with all this social media and our noses stuck in our phones. But I have a friend that I've never met (cause the 30 second introduction when I visited his call center really doesn't count) in the real world. There has been plenty of phone calls, texts, IM chats, and emails. We even post our blogs to the same Facebook page now. And that's how it started. I got the text "Hey, read my blog. Was tonight's entry too much?" I guess my answer sounded more personal to me than a critique on his work cause it met with "Spill it, what's eating you?"

And I started doing challenges. This is my third month now. With the exception of reading to kids at the library the challenges haven't really done anything for anyone else. Now the last few weeks my close friends in Topeka have really started to notice the change in me. Most days I don't have the thought of maybe things would be easier for everyone if I was no longer six feet above ground. And don't worry, not planning anything. Just that passing thought of falling asleep and waking up dead would simplify things for lots of people.

The past work week was actually pretty tough, didn't sleep 3 of 5 nights. My body started to remember being a tweaker. I thought a little too hard about questions I shouldn't dwell on. But the answers to these questions have lifted spirits. If I went to sleep and didn't wake up...

• Who will miss me first?
• Who will find me?
• Who will get the word out?
• Who will know my passwords?
• Who will organize my departure?
• Who will make the trip to pay their respects?
• Who will make sure my kids knew that I loved them until the last second?
• Who will tell their kids all those "... your crazy Uncle Jack..." stories?

I'm not going to share the answers I came up with. They're just for me. And I like the answers.

Well that escalated quickly

With no drugs of any kind that prevent sleep, the kind that aid sleep were in use, I managed to not sleep for 2 days. It wasn't straight through but an hour nap definitely doesn't count.

When I finally knew that I was gonna get some sleep I decided I was gonna be funny and change my status to dating My Bed. Put in the comments after 2 days of arguing I was finally gonna sleep with her. No one saw who I was in a relationship with.

Holy fuck balls! My phone blew up!

Everything from congratulations to CALL ME NOW!

But good news, after it finally quieted down, I got 7 hours of really deep sleep.

Well this is unexpected

Finally took the time to scan and publish the 200+ pictures that I was given by grandma and the former Mrs. Taylor. Had good laughs over a few of them too. My cousins and I all look like dorks. Not that that's changed much for me, still white and nerdy over here.

And then the girl formerly known as my sister decides to go and comment on one of them. She's friends with our cousins. Our cousins are tagged in the pictures. Makes sense she can see them. She asked for copies of them.

It took me about 10 seconds to decide that no matter what happened 8 years ago these pictures are a part of her life too. I have a album called all grow'd up, I'll act it. I inboxed her for her email. That went unanswered. Just in case she didn't get the notification I also commented for her to inbox me her email and I'll send her every picture that our grandmother gave me. So far that is also unanswered.

The ball is in her court now and I HATE THAT. I don't give up control very easily, I don't except or ask for help without agonizing over it, I don't rely on people. And now I don't have control of the ball...

Life is precious

Why eat healthy? Get enough sleep? Play more? Smoke less?

There comes a time when you have to ask yourself what really matters.

I'm 32. That is in and of itself an accomplishment. Living in California leading the life I lead gave me a life expectancy of 16. Making it to 20 and moving to Nebraska was pure luck. March 6th, 2005 (I could be wrong about the day, bus it's easy to remember this particular date and it's close enough) was a turning a point though. I put down the pipe for the last time that day.

9 years without meth has not been easy. I still know what a craving feels like. I still know why my body tingles after sleepless nights. I still remember the taste and the smell.

I've made lots of great friends in the last 12 years. Most I call family. Some were there to watch the early struggle. Some were around to say they couldn't believe how fast I came. Now some are around to say they can't imagine what I was like before.

And then events happen that cause you call your grandmother just to say I love you. Hug your kids a little tighter. Wish you had the nerve to tell someone something personal.

Why eat healthy? Get enough sleep? Play more? Smoke less?

I don't want to miss any graduations. Any weddings. Any birthdays. Any holidays.

I'm 32. I've doubled my life expectancy. I'll see you when I'm 66.

Gotta find something to fill my time in the morning

Going to bed regularly, getting a full nights rest, waking up bright and early...

I have a good hour of doing nothing before I leave for work. And mossy of our is spent thinking I should do something productive. What to do? What to do?

I miss fried food!

So it's only day 8 and I already want to say fuck it and deep fry something. So much more respect for Jason's vegetarian month.

Bowling for soup. Ok, not soup. But fun.

Eating healthy is working out a little better. Got in some exercise too. The sign said bowling burns 110 calories an hour. Since I wasn't drinking it was probably pretty accurate. Burned about 250 calories. Probably more because I was being social with strangers.

And had to answer some pretty tough questions rather honestly. Nothing like a girl asking how I really feel to get the heart rate pumping.

Time with kids

Not sure if this is eating healthy but it's eating fun. Last night I told Bailey to fill the tubes so I can add Apple juice and freeze em. Pretty sure she STUFFED the tubes so they have a 90/10 gummy to juice ratio.

This morning it was all about the cinnamon waffle rolls.

Off to a good start

Three days in and I haven't forgot my vitamins once!

Getting to bed decently and waking up at the same time.

Have a list of primary doctors.

Looking good.

A successful failure

Last day of the month and I officially call my blogging experiment a successful failure. Without a topic of discussion, I'm just not a successful daily blogger. I do have the experience of blogging under my belt now and it can be applied to future challenges.

April I'm dedicating to my kids. Is be around for them month. Or get healthy month. Some things to do are get a primary doctor for chantix script and do the quit smoking thing with a buddy from work, regulate my sleep schedule, and eat healthier foods. And keep up with my daily vitamin.

Looking ahead

With April almost here I'm starting to give thought to the next challenge. I'm still thinking on the selfish level. I'm missing more work than I should, I gotta get healthier. Part tummy troubles, part not enough sleep.

Maybe a sleep regulation challenge?

And maybe spending some time doing something related to the other folks challenges.

A work in progress.

Some days I want to turn to my friends and ask "Want to play our favorite game? I ask if you're doing okay, you lie and say you're fine, I'll pretend you didn't lie."

Some days I remember I do the same thing. Not because I don't want you to know I'm a little messed up, a little unwell. But because I'm starting to believe it could be true.

Watching Frozen

I'm really starting to think I'm just not a daily blogger kind of guy. Life is good today. I've got Disney.

Perfectly put

I stayed off Facebook for a good portion of the day today. All this news about Fred Phelps started to piss me off bright and early this morning. It was the perfect example of why I've been pissed off at the world so much lately. When I finally decide to check  my news feed to see what's going on in the world, there was more WBC news hogging it so I had to scroll for what seemed like days looking for actual news and somehow ended up finding these two gems.

"So ol' Fred is on his deathbed. Who really cares? Hatred does not die with him. All of these posts rejoicing in a man's death show that."


"I take no solace or joy in this man's passing. We will not dance upon his grave, nor stand vigil at his funeral holding "God Hates Freds" signs, tempting as it may be.

He was a tormented soul, who tormented so many. Hate never wins out in the end. It instead goes always to its lonely, dusty end."

Maybe we're not all as fucked as I think we are.

Thoughtful yet irritated

All my thoughts are running together on this one. I'm deleting more than I'm typing. I'm just gonna try again in the morning.

This month isn't all bad

9 years. Almost forgot about it. This is a historically hard month for me. And it's also the month I quit doing dope. Yeah, go me.

Some days, it's all about remembering the one thing you did right to stop forgetting about all the other times you did the wrong thing.

Throwback Thursday. Bacon style.

Good times. Good times. Watching Footloose. The original.

I don't remember the last time I watched such a  ridiculously awesome movie with such a ridiculously awesome sound track.

Not so angry anymore

After my rant about hating everyone and everything. I feel better. Maybe I just wanted everyone with strong opinions to know that there is that one guy out there who's only strong opinion is everyone just get along.

a few days late, but fuck it

I finally have it figured out. I hate the Christians, the anti Christians, the gays, the anti gays, the guns, the anti guns, the Obama, and the anti Obama. Pretty much every banner and status I've seen in the last few days or weeks. I kind of want to give up on Facebook again.

Yes, I know where the unfriend button is.

Yes, I know the above statement is as pissy as the things pissing me off.

Nope, I don't give a fuck if you're now offended.

It's your Facebook, it's my blog.

If I Had A Mom...

... She would say there would be days like this. If I had a friend Jason, he would suggest that I start 30 day challenges if I'm in a rut. If I was smart, I would take his advice. Two out of three isn't bad I guess.

It's days like this, today especially, that my thoughts shouldn't be stuck in my head. Today is the kind of day that a bottle of Jack and a straight razor can fix.

There are three things in life that absolutely, inexplicably, terrify me to the core. The high dive, being alone, and talking to nice girls. I won't do 'em, can't make me, no amount of money/reward will convince me otherwise. It has occurred to me, and been pointed out by most, that numbers 2 and 3 are closely tied together. One could fix the other so to speak.

The high dive. Not low enough to be called jumping. Not high enough that the adrenaline over powers the fear. I know how to swim. I've been bungie jumping. I would someday like nothing more than to jump out of a perfectly good airplane with nothing but a thin bit of nylon between the ground and I. But that 10-40 foot jump with a body of water for a safety net? No sir, not happening. Find someone else. I much prefer my vision without spots and my equilibrium equal.

Talking to girls is bad enough. But a nice girl? That kind of girl that when I see her all I can think is yeah, Grandma would like her, Grandma would approve. That kind of nice girl needs to make the first move or there will be no move made. And an obvious one, too. Nothing that leaves even the slightest hint of room for doubt. There's a shadow of a doubt? No sir, not happening. I much prefer my vision without spots and my equilibrium to be equal.

Why is all this rattling around in my head today? I suffer from a curse. The inability to forget the date 05MAR. 'Cause I had a nice girl once. Someone that gave me a couple of very special gifts. Someone who found a very nice way to tie together 05MAR, 05JUL, and 05NOV. Today would've been my 10th anniversary. Now let me be clear. I do not pine away for my ex-wife, I do not sit around wishing things had turned out different. She's the mother of my children and for that I will always love her as such. Just like family.

But right now I live alone. I haven't settled for anyone that happened to come along. And today, I remember. I make it hard for people to stay.

Unexpected Side Effects

After a month of doing something for me I realize that by doing something to make me happy, I unconsciously started doing things to make me better.

After years of constant pain in my mouth it's starting to get better. I've always known that my early life choices fucked over my teeth and gums. When the top ones went, I knew the bottoms weren't far behind. And the more I understood they were rotted out and gonna fall out anyways, the less I took care of them. As it turns out it's been 10 years and my bottoms are still with me. Still in pain, still a reason not to smile. And then I added peroxide to my tooth brushing regimen (and actually got a tooth brushing regimen) and after two weeks I can say the pain is down and there's less pink in the sink.

Tomorrow I will add a daily vitamin. But I'm not that old yet. I got gummy!

Exciting things could be on my horizon...

Getting the party started

So here it is, February challenge: Blogging!

The rules of the challenge are simple. Starts at 3 posts, total of 5 paragraphs. Add a post and a paragraph each week. By week 4 it will be 6 posts to total 8 paragraph.

Why am I doing this? I don't talk to people very often. About the real shit. I talk plenty about plenty of things all the time. About crap that doesn't actually. Which leads me to have conversations with myself which don't always shed me in the best light.

And I want to have more good days like I had today. Putting my cue to work the last couple of days and really working the table was a good little boost of confidence.